Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say
A friend of mine used to repeat those words often.
Ron was greatly frustrated by people who didn't follow through on their word. It didn't matter whether it was something small and annoying—like a waitress telling you, "I'll help you next," only to turn around and wait on the next person who walked through the door—or something much more serious, like an electrical contractor missing a deadline three times.
Ron and I were raised in different times and different parts of the country, but somewhere along the way, we were taught the same things: keep your word, be dependable, and protect your reputation. As Will Rogers said, "It takes a lifetime to build a good reputation, but you can lose it in a minute."
If you said you were going to do something, you did it. If you couldn't do it, you said so. And if you didn't intend to do it in the first place, you had no business saying you would.
I know some of you think this is all history and doesn't matter much today. You would be wrong.
Yes, you can go a long way puffing yourself up and making everyone think you're great. You can talk a good game, make promises, and tell people exactly what they want to hear. But eventually, you'll reach the point where you have to "put up or shut up." That's when people find out whether all that talk meant anything.
People with experience in leadership have learned that they need people they can depend on—people with a proven track record. They surround themselves with people who say what they mean and mean what they say.
Now, I'm not naive enough to think there isn't a time to be creative with the truth.
There are moments when telling the absolute truth isn't necessarily the right thing to do. Sometimes a little white lie can spare someone's feelings without causing any real harm.
Of course, there is a fine line between a harmless little white lie and simply being dishonest. And sometimes, that line is about as clear as mud.
The purpose of telling the truth shouldn't be to hurt somebody. There is a difference between being honest and being cruel.
Hurting someone unnecessarily and then covering it with "I tell it like it is" doesn't fool anybody. You're still being a bully—and probably a few other words that start with the letter B.
The important thing is whether the lie is being told to deceive, take advantage of someone, or hide something important. Sometimes you're simply trying to avoid turning a minor situation into a major one.
The Dressing Room
Let's take the classic question that has probably put more husbands in danger than almost anything else:
Wife: "Do these pants make my butt look fat?"
Now, there are several possible answers.
The Absolute Truth — the answer you're thinking but probably shouldn't say:
"They remind me of two hippos mating."
Technically, you've answered the question honestly.
Technically, you've also just purchased yourself a very expensive argument.
The Diplomatic Approach
"Maybe you should try a different style. Those aren't really the most flattering."
That's probably the safest answer.
The Gentle Truth
"I'm not sure. Maybe a little, but it could just be the lighting."
Honest enough to maintain your integrity without volunteering for a sleeping arrangement on the couch.
Scenario Two: Running Late
Now let's change the circumstances.
Your wife is at home trying on her sixth pair of pants. You're already ten minutes late for a concert, and you have a sneaking suspicion that the opening act has already started.
She walks out of the bedroom.
Wife: "Do these pants make my butt look fat?"
At this point, honesty requires some careful consideration.
The Strategic Lie
"Absolutely not! They look great. I'll meet you in the car!"
There are times when a man must make difficult decisions in the interest of domestic peace.
This is one of those times.
When Integrity Counts
Outside of those minor domestic survival situations, I believe you should almost always tell the truth.
And when you give someone your word, you should make every reasonable effort to keep it.
Especially when keeping your word becomes inconvenient.
It's easy to keep a promise when it costs you nothing. It's much harder when keeping your word means giving up your time, your money, your comfort, or your pride.
That's when your word actually means something.
When you consistently do what you say you're going to do, people learn that they can depend on you. They learn that when you say, "I'll be there," you will be there. When you say, "I'll take care of it," you will take care of it. And when you say, "You can count on me," they don't have to wonder whether you meant it.
That's called integrity.
And integrity isn't something you can fake for very long.
People are often much more observant than we give them credit for. They may already know the truth. Sometimes they're simply waiting to see whether you have the courage to admit it.
One Last Thought
There are times when keeping something to yourself is difficult, but telling the truth would be devastating to someone else. Counselors may tell you that you need to get it out in the open. Sometimes that's good advice. Sometimes I think there is another question that needs to be asked first:
Who is going to be hurt, and who is responsible for causing that hurt?
If an action is going to cause pain to two people, I have a hard time believing that the innocent party should be the one who has to suffer simply because someone else decided they couldn't keep their mouth shut—or couldn't keep their word.
If you made the choice that created the problem, maybe you should be the one willing to carry the consequences.
Because in the end, that's what integrity is about.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. And when you give someone your word, remember that your reputation is riding along with it.
